If you've ever tried to convince your teenager to do something you know will be good for them, you'll know that logic, reason and a well-prepared argument don't always get you very far.
You can explain the benefits, paint a picture of all the possibilities, remind them that they'll probably enjoy it once they get there, and still be met with a blank stare, an eye roll or a resounding "No thanks."
Meanwhile, mention McDonald's, a trip to the movies or dinner somewhere they like, and suddenly you've got their attention.
What's going on here?
One of the things I find fascinating about human behaviour is how differently we can experience exactly the same situation. We don't respond to the world as it is; we respond to the world as we understand it. Our experiences, memories and reference points shape the meaning we give to things.
And this is particularly relevant when it comes to teenagers.
They simply don't have the same reference points as we do.
Think about it. As adults, we have years of experience to draw on. We know what a psychologist does. We understand the value of personal development. We might appreciate the opportunity to attend a workshop, meet new people, learn something about ourselves or try something outside our comfort zone.
But your teenager? They might have absolutely no idea what a personal development workshop actually involves.
What happens there? Who will be there? Will they have to talk? Will it be awkward? Will they know anyone? Will they be expected to share their deepest thoughts with a room full of strangers?
They don't have a reference for it. And when we don't have a reference for something, it's much harder to imagine ourselves enjoying it, let alone understanding why we should go.
But they know McDonald's. They know the movies. They know what dinner out looks like. They can picture it, anticipate it and know what they're getting.
That's a much easier proposition.
Meet them in their world
Here's where a little creativity can go a long way.
If you want your teenager to try something new, sometimes you need to connect it to something they already know and enjoy.
Perhaps there's a favourite meal afterwards. Maybe they can choose a movie for the family to watch. Perhaps they can bring a friend, choose the music for the car trip or decide where you'll stop on the way home.
Call it a bribe if you like. I prefer to think of it as an incentive, or a carrot.
The point isn't to buy their cooperation. It's to make an unfamiliar experience a little more appealing by attaching it to something familiar.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
In fact, it can be a really useful starting point when you're trying to introduce your young person to something that could genuinely benefit them.
Get curious before you get convincing
There's another piece to this that I think is even more important.
When your teenager pushes back, how quickly do you jump into convincing mode?
"You're going to love it."
"It'll be good for you."
"You need to get out and try new things."
"How do you know you won't like it if you haven't tried?"
All perfectly reasonable things to say. But they are coming from your perspective, with your experiences and your understanding of what's being offered.
What if, instead, you got curious about theirs?
Ask them what they imagine the experience will be like. What are they unsure about? What's putting them off? What would make it more appealing? What would help them feel comfortable?
And then, perhaps the hardest part, listen to the answer without immediately judging it, correcting it or trying to change their mind.
If they tell you it sounds boring, awkward or like the worst possible way to spend a Sunday, resist the urge to defend the activity.
They're giving you information.
Perhaps they're worried about looking silly. Maybe they don't want to be the only person who doesn't know anyone. Maybe they genuinely can't see what's in it for them.
Understanding their response doesn't mean agreeing with it. And it certainly doesn't mean you have to give up on encouraging them.
It simply means you have a much better starting point.
A different way of looking at motivation
As parents, we often focus on the outcome we want for our children. We can see the benefits, the opportunities and sometimes even the consequences of not taking action.
But our teenagers are living in the here and now. Their immediate experience is often much more influential than a future benefit they can't yet picture.
So, the next time you're trying to get your young person to do something new, try stepping out of your own frame of reference for a moment.
What do they already know? What do they enjoy? What might they be imagining? What could make this feel a little less foreign?
You might be surprised how much difference that shift makes.
And remember, they don't have to be motivated by the same things you are. They don't need to understand the full value of an experience before they walk through the door.
Sometimes a little incentive gets them there. A little understanding helps them feel comfortable. And the experience itself can do the rest.
You don't need to convince them to see the world through your eyes. You just need to find a way to make the first step make sense through theirs.
And to all the mums out there doing their best, navigating the eye rolls, the negotiations and the occasional outright refusal: you're not doing it wrong. Sometimes we just need a different way in.
Looking for an opportunity to help your teenager discover a little more about themselves? OWN YOUR WAY is an interactive experience designed to help young people explore who they are, recognise their strengths and build confidence in their own way of doing things.