Language Matters

This morning I was listening to the radio and the commentators were talking about language.

Some football players who have been accused of a crime were described by their club as having “found themselves” in the situation.

One commentator picked up on those words and the inference they create - that the players somehow had no control over where they were, or what they were involved in.

It got me thinking.

Language is powerful, and it's not just about the words we speak.

How many different types of language can you think of?
Spoken language. Body language. Love languages. And then there's the language we use with ourselves.

I've been noticing a common thread in my work with teenagers and tweens over the past few weeks. They've been talking about self-talk — the things they say to themselves in moments where pressure is high.

Before an exam. Before taking a set shot at football. Before doing something they really want to get right.

And almost every time, when I ask what they're saying to themselves, it's what we might call away-from language:

“I don't want to miss.”

“I don't want to fail.”

“I'm not sure I remember everything.”

So I ask a different question:

“What do you want?”

And almost every time, there's a pause. A puzzled look.

“What do you mean?”

So we explore it.

If you don't want to fail, what do you want?

“I want to do well.”

And when you do well, what would you like to have happen?

“I want to remember what I need to know.”

And when you're remembering what you need to know, is there anything else you would like?

“I don't want to panic.”

And when you don't want to panic, what would you like to have happen?

“I want to stay calm.”

So now the language becomes:

“I want to stay calm and remember what I need to know.”

One young person noticed something almost immediately.

Once they stopped focusing on everything that could go wrong, they started remembering the things they'd studied. The information was already there. Their attention had simply shifted.

A small change in language can create a very different experience.

And perhaps there are places in your own life where a small shift could make a difference too.

I know it has for me.

I'm very good at knowing what I don't want. But knowing, and then articulating, what I do want has been a much bigger piece of my own work.

I want to get clearer on what I want and better at articulating it.

See what I did there? 😉

Sometimes that means getting really specific.

Instead of saying:

“I want to slow down.”

I might say:

I want to notice my feet on the floor.

I want to notice the sound of my breath.

I want to feel the warmth of my cup of tea as I take a sip.

And sometimes it can be bigger. Juicier. More expansive.

I want to support teenagers and the people who love them to create stronger relationships through understanding.

That one feels pretty clear to me.

So what about you?

What would happen if you shifted your language to focus more on what you want, rather than what you don't want?

What might change if your teenager became clearer about what they actually want from school, rather than everything they don't like about it?

What if, instead of “I don't want to mess this up,” they could say:

“I want to feel calm, trust what I know and give this my best.”

And perhaps the biggest question of all:

What do you want?

And what might become possible once you can put it into words?